It’s been a summer, people. Not just because of how the Corona Virus throws a wrench in everything, but because of what’s happened around here.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you will know that I am on my second marriage. I ended my first marriage of 17 years because I couldn’t take my husband’s addiction to pornography and everything that goes along with that for one minute more. I am now married to the love of my life who treats me like a queen. I am thankful. I am blessed. But I’m still very wounded. God seemed to decide it was time for me to heal some more. I wasn’t up for it. In fact I kicked and screamed and freaked out and cried for the better part of two months. There are still days where I’m not doing so great. Let me explain.
G, the love of my life, my world, my rock, my pretty much everything, needed help at work. So work went and hired someone to help him.
Let’s all take a minute to guess what kind of a person they hired to help my husband…
If you guessed a drop dead gorgeous young woman, thin but curvy, blonde but highly intelligent, riding around in a truck with MY husband all summer, you would be correct.
Now most women wouldn’t be too thrilled with this and might tell their husbands so. But not me. I took it to an entirely different level.
I made myself so ill with anxiety over this whole situation that I ended up back in therapy. Like, literally ill. My bones wouldn’t stop aching. I couldn’t hold anything down, my migraine wouldn’t go away. I was emotionally depleted and physically exhausted.
I was terrified that some gorgeous young thing was going to take my husband away. The man I had been waiting for for so long. I went from “Good for her for being such a hard worker! This isn’t an easy field for a woman!” to ” If she so much as LOOKS at him the wrong way, I swear I will kill her with my own two hands!”to” Oh my goodness, she’s so beautiful and I’m so ugly, he’s going to leave me!” to ” Why is this happening? This is killing me! I can’t do this!” This was multiple times a day, with all the other thoughts in between.
You see, I had never been enough for my porn addicted ex-husband. At least, not in my head. He was always looking for a prettier, sexier female (blonde, go figure..) to be with. Having a husband who treats you this way leaves a girl with quite a complex. When this new gorgous girl came on the sceen, I regressed into past behaviours, obessesing about where G is, checking his phone, needing every detail about every conversation he had that day with this girl.
G has been and continues to be amazing with helping me through these massive trust issues that are rooted in my own insecurities. But he can’t fix it. I knew that despite all his constant reassurances and support and love, this was my issue and I was the only one who could make me ok again.
I gotta tell you, it’s been rough.
Each day is another day of me letting go of my own insecurities. Each day is another day of me learning that my husband IS trustworthy. Each day is another day of me learning that I can do this. I am strong enough for this. That I am worthy and beautiful and enough, not just for my husband, but for myself.