Pornography wasn’t the issue.. wait, what?!

We have some potential big changes going on over here. Things I will write about in the future because I’m still processing them and trying to calm the heck down over here. But I will share one thing with you that I’m currently exploring.

G and I were talking in our room the other day. Or to be more specific, he was talking and I was getting madder with each passing second. We have an armchair in our room that I was sitting in, arms and legs twisted up so tight with indignation I felt like a righteous pretzel. I’m surprised my chair didn’t spontaneously combust from all my rage.

See, what happened was G challenged one of my long held beliefs and I didn’t handle it well. This was one of those beliefs I had acquired through years of heart ache, striving, despair, and triumph. So naturally he must be wrong, because what does he know, he didn’t live my story! He hadn’t been where I had been and he certainly did NOT understand me.

A word of advice to the husbands out there. Don’t lead in with ” I’ve been thinking this for a long time”…and then question one of your wife’s most deeply held beliefs, born out of pain and heartache. You’re liable to get your eyes scratched out. Especially if you’re right.

G and I were discussing the issue of my ability to trust him.

I came out of a marriage where pornography ruled. My ex-husband was addicted to it, but refused to get help, let alone admit he needed it. I spent 17 years of my marriage being hyper vigilant, always wondering what he was looking at on his phone, what he was watching when I wasn’t there, what I might find on his computer, what did the women he was lusting after look like compared to me. I was in a marriage that left me feeling invisible, used, ugly, deficient, and desperate for someone to show me I had any worth or value left. It destroyed my marriage and almost destroyed me.

I am now married to the love of my life. A man I KNOW loves me, who would die for me, who would do anything for me, a man who is completely trustworthy on all accounts.

But do I trust him? No.

And here’s why. In my head, pornography has become the irresistible siren that no man can resist. In my head he will inevitly fail, give in, and I will never be able to trust him again. Pornography became the scapegoat, the reason my marriage failed.

Until G challenged me on it. He told me that I had been looking at it all wrong, blaming the wrong thing.

He asked me if maybe the reason my marriage failed was because I couldn’t trust my ex-husband. That I couldn’t trust him to love me, fight for me, protect me, cherish me.

It wasn’t about the pornography, it was about the person.

This might sound pretty obvious to most of you, but to me, it felt like a revelation from God. A complete shift in my psyche regarding myself, my world view, and my past.

I felt angry, vulnerable, confused, and terrified. So I did what I do best. I burst into tears.

G wanted to comfort me, but I felt like this new knowledge had left me flayed by a thousand whips, covered in fiery red trails of pain all over my skin, and I couldn’t bear the thought of being touched.

After the storm of emotion, I calmed down and said to my confused and terrified husband ” Um…I think maybe you’re right. I can’t talk about this right now, but there might be truth to what you’re saying.”

Poor thing didn’t know what to do with that.

I’m thinking about it. I feel like this is going to be a slow process of metamorphosis for me. To be able to shift from “I can’t trust porn not to ruin this marriage” to “I couldn’t trust my ex-husband, but that doesn’t mean that every man isn’t trustworthy…so maybe I can actually trust G.”

There are a lot of layers to this one. Places I’m still afraid to look. Pain that has to be uncovered and felt.

But ultimately, freedom.

I’m working on it.


Photo by redcharlie on Unsplash

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