When the letter comes.

This is for you loves who are right smack dab in the middle of your divorce. When you feel naked and vulnerable and scared. When you’re not sure how much longer you can stand the pain in your heart. When what you really need is hot soup, and hugs, and kind words, and friendship, and unconditional love. Instead you get something like this….

This is an excerpt from a very long and very horrible Facebook message that I received two and a half years ago. Please keep in mind that I’ve met this woman maybe twice. I don’t really know her, but she thinks she knows me.

H, if you are no longer going to work on your marriage, and if you have divorce papers in your hand, then you would be technically be available for a relationship with another man. Then us and society would view it as two available people pursuing a relationship. But until that time, even if you don’t think so, G’s actions are seen as messing with another man’s wife. Both of you, for the sake of your children (there are 7 kids here to think about)… what is happening right now is a scandal — yes, a scandal — and there are 7 children who are being impacted by it and will have to process this junk for the rest of their lives. G, your children have already had to process the rumors and the scandal of “the *content removed to protect others* thing… are you really naïve enough to think that they are not going to be affected by more rumors and baggage that comes with their dad being in a relationship with a married woman? When they are eating meals that she has cooked for him after his divorce?

Sigh.

This came at a time when I was awaiting my divorce papers. My then husband and I had been separated for almost a year, and I was counting the days until I was legally free. G and I were holding each other up and getting through day by day. This was at a time when suicide was thought of constantly by the both of us because life was just too hard. We weren’t living together. I made meals for him and froze them so there was some sort of food on the table for an exhausted, depressed man and his three hurting sons.

Let’s take a closer look at this letter, shall we?

First off, please note that this is but a fraction of the letter that was sent. I decided not to post it all to save this person the embarrassment of having so many incorrect and horrible things out there for the whole world to see. In the beginning of the letter this lady states that because her husband is friends with G, she has the right to say something. She also states in her letter that as a concerned Christian, she has the right to say something.

(For similar content see:https://youcandothis.blog/2019/02/16/the-god-card/)

And best of all, she has a right to say something because she is thinking of the children.

Darlings, if you get a letter like this, please remember that deep down, this is not about you.

This is about that person and their issues. They may not like or agree with your life, but that doesn’t give them the right to vomit their condensation all over yours.

The thing I kept repeating over and over when I got this letter was “but she doesn’t even know me! She doesn’t know my life! She doesn’t know my present circumstances or motives or day-to-day coming and goings. And she sure as hell doesn’t know my kids or what they’re thinking or feeling about any of this!”

Believe me, I was so hurt and so angry. It took me a long time to calm down.

When I was properly divorced and G and I were engaged, I received another letter from her. This one stating that now that I was officially divorced she had decided that she could give her blessing, and she holds no ill will against us.

What do you do when you receive a letter like this?

You don’t answer.

You cry, and you rage, and you hold your beautiful head high, and you pick your sweet self up off that floor, and you keep going. Because you know you. You know your kids, and your self, and your story, and that is all that matters.

Is it hard not to write back and defend yourself? Very.

But it won’t do any good. People who would write this sort of thing are not going to change their opinion of you. All you would accomplish is giving them more ammunition to confirm what they already think of you. At the end of the day, there is a profound amount of dignity to be found in silence.

Keep going. The people who know you and your story will be there. They will love you and support you and that’s what matters.

H.

Photo by Florencia Viadana on Unsplash

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