Trust

You should have seen me these last few days, I’ve been the queen of efficiency. I’ve got so much accomplished it’s preposterous. You should have seen me the day before yesterday, I was like a crazy ninja of greatness. Not only did I get through fantastic amounts of stuff at work, but I ran like twenty errands, spent the afternoon running to the city with a birthday kid, and pulled off a birthday party for said kid with fourteen people attending to feed and water.

I remember running from one thing to the next feeling so proud to have everything so organized and efficient. I was getting everyone fed and off to their activities on time, while trying hard to avoid that voice in the back of my head saying “you’re going to pay for this…you can’t keep going at this speed for this many days in a row..you’re gonna crash you know…”

But I pushed through. I accomplished!

Today though…..today the voice was proved right.

My kids just walked in the door from school and the first words out of my mouth were “No. Absolutely not. I am WAY too tired for this right now.” In my defence I don’t think the amount of noise they were making was even legal.

My one son has a friend over. This friend has now officially heard me yell. This is the same friend who officially heard me swear at the volleyball game. He’s not going to be allowed to come over soon..

I have accomplished nothing of greatness this afternoon. Not even a load of laundry. I’m pacing myself because I still gotta come up with supper and get kids to another volleyball game. That’s about all I have energy for.

Guess what happens when I get this overtired and worn out. I become even more irrational than normal, which is really saying something. G did a normal person thing this morning that an ordinary, logical spouse would be totally fine and chill about. I however, don’t know how to do that. Instead I like to misconstrue his actions and behaviour because my thinking brain isn’t online and my reactionary brain is in command. Which means for the benefit of the entire household, I should never be overtired.

I was in full meltdown mode by 7am.

Sometimes I think the past trauma from my previous marriage will never really go away. I will never really trust G all the way deep down. It gets discouraging. However, I did something different today. When he called me and left a message on my phone, I actually called him back. Did I want to? Nope. Was I quite happy to stay in my little cocoon of safeness? Yes. But I knew I needed to. I knew if I could get the words out, if I could tell him what I was feeling, it would help. I would be better. I could keep going.

It’s really hard to tell your husband that you don’t completely one hundred percent trust him. Even if you both know it’s not his fault, and that he hasn’t done anything to lose your trust. It’s just there. It’s just like that. And you’re really not sure if you will ever be able to fully, really trust again.

See, when there is a history of deceit that goes back seventeen years from a previous marriage, it takes a long time for your brain to even begin to believe you when you tell it you can trust your husband. This is not helped by the hyper vigilant she-being that takes over my brain and says “what is he doing in there?! are we safe?! is he betraying us?! can we handle this?!! No. We cannot. We must totally freak out and implode and not. handle. this. We are now on shutdown for the rest of the day and refuse to talk. Engage ‘cocoon protocol’ immediately.”

Tomorrow will be better. That is what I tell my overtired brain and self on days like today.

Tomorrow will be better. One day at a time.

You can do this.

H.

Photo by Joseph Chan on Unsplash

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