Lonely

It’s gross outside today. Two degrees Celsius and drizzling. It’s grey and gloomy and a good day to crawl into bed and not come out again. However, that’s not what I did.

I took my beautiful spring jacket from being clean and presentable to covered in dusty and muddy streaks from hauling tires like a buff olympic champion! *sweeping blasts of achievement!!*

Ok, so it was only four tires. And I was still wearing a girly scarf and fancy jeans so I wasn’t fooling anyone but myself.. but it still felt good.

After my strapping accomplishment of moving tires, my father and I went to the local coffee shop where a very much needed latte was ordered in my honour. Conversation followed. Because we were in a town forty-five minutes away from home, no-one knew us, and it was lovely. You can’t go anywhere in my hometown without running into people you know.

And here’s the thing. People treat you differently when they know you. Either in a good way or a not so good way. I think I kind of prefer the anonymous vibe. People are friendlier and less judgemental that way.

G and I really enjoyed this on our honeymoon and our recent trip to Mexico. There are no prior judgements or assumptions about someone you’ve never met before. There’s no awkwardness or weird looks.

G and I took Seven to her basketball game again on Tuesday. She’s going every week and dominating the court, as we knew she would.

The two of us were there chatting away and keeping an eye on the court (clear eye-witness accounts of our daughter’s actions are always a good thing in this circumstance) when I glanced at the row of women in front of me. I knew them all by name. But only one of them said hello.

Granted I didn’t really know them, I just know who they are. Most of them attend the same church together and so they’re comfortable with one another. They were all busy conversing away with one another enjoying their one hour of freedom from their offspring.

I understand completely.

It just kind of struck me once again that I probably make people a bit uncomfortable. I’m sort of outside of their norm. We live in a pretty conservative town with pretty strict social parameters, and I don’t follow the parameters very well.

And then again, people are people. You’re going to visit with the people you know unless you’re one of those weird extrovert type people, and even then you tend to stay within your own group. But the thing is, I used to be a part of the in group, and I’m not anymore.

Most of the time I’m ok with that. I know who my real friends are, and I’m confident in myself. I also have the best friend I could ever imagine in my husband, which is pretty freaking amazing. I am content with just his company, in fact I usually prefer it that way. But when you’re surrounded by other women you sort of know, you’re reminded that you’re different now and you no longer really fit in. No one says it, but it’s there. You can feel it.

Sometimes I think living in a more liberal environment where divorce and remarriage is more common would make me feel less ostracized. It seems weird to wish for friends, though, who have gone through the same hell as you have, because who would ever wish that upon others! But sometimes, people who get what it feels like would be a really nice thing to have around.

Eh well, I think the weather is getting to me.

H

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

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